These little hearts were depending on this marriage suceeding.

We looked SO happy!
Have you ever looked at a photo of your beautiful family and wished you felt as happy as you appeared?

How God Restored Our Marriage When I Stopped Trying to Fix My Husband

From the outside, we looked like the picture-perfect family.

We had five adorable children, successful careers, family vacations, Disney trips, cruises, and opportunities to travel the world. Friends, relatives, neighbors, and even strangers often told us how blessed we were.

And we were blessed.

But behind the smiling photographs, we were also deeply unhappy.

People saw the vacations and the beautiful family pictures. They did not see the resentment, suspicion, loneliness, and emotional distance between my husband and me.

For nearly two decades, our marriage felt more like “unhappily ever after.”

We went through two long trial separations. At one point, we lived in different countries for nearly six months. People who knew what we had been through could not believe we were still holding on.

Sometimes, I could not believe it either.

Trust had been damaged, and the effects of betrayal seemed to linger over everything. I struggled with jealousy, suspicion, fear, and anxiety. Even when my husband and I were living in the same home and sitting in the same room, we both felt alone.

Unresolved conflicts became resentment. Resentment turned into anger. Anger became hurtful words, verbal attacks, and screaming matches that caused both of us to behave in ways that did not reflect who God created us to be.

We were also facing pressure from every direction.

We experienced the heartbreaking loss of a baby during pregnancy. Later, I became so sick that I ended up in the intensive care unit, leaving my husband to care for our four children on his own.

Eventually, our financial situation completely collapsed. We filed for bankruptcy and lost our home to foreclosure.

We argued about money, our careers, our children, our faith, our friendships, our extended family, and where we should live.

You name it—we probably argued about it.

Even things that should have been fun, like deciding where to go on vacation, could become stressful.

Divorce seemed to hover over us like a dark cloud.

I never wanted a divorce. I could barely even say the word aloud because it felt like the ultimate failure.

I believed Jesus when He said, “What God has joined together, let no one separate” in Matthew 19:6.

But believing in marriage and knowing how to create a peaceful, healthy marriage are not always the same thing.

I loved my husband. I wanted to save our marriage.

I simply did not know how.

A Pattern That Began on Our Wedding Day

I married young, naïve, and completely unaware of what biblical respect looked like in the everyday moments of marriage.

In many ways, our “bad old days” began on our wedding day.

My husband danced with his former girlfriend to my favorite love song.

I was humiliated.

I was furious.

More than anything, I was heartbroken.

Compared with everything we later survived, that moment may seem small. But at the time, it felt enormous, and it planted something painful in my heart.

Instead of vulnerably telling my husband, “That really hurt me,” I made a judgment about him.

I decided he did not know how to make good decisions.

And because I believed he did not know how to make good decisions, I thought I would have to help him.

A lot.

Without realizing it, I gradually stepped out of the role of wife and partner and became more like his mother, manager, instructor, and full-time quality-control department.

Of course, I did not see myself that way.

I genuinely thought I was helping.

I believed I was being supportive when I pointed out what he was doing wrong and explained how he could do it better. I offered advice about his career, his friendships, his hobbies, his decisions, his spiritual life, and even his haircuts.

I had suggestions for almost everything.

The harder I tried to show him how to love me properly, the worse our relationship became.

I could not understand it.

I remember thinking, “Why can’t he see how hard I am trying?”

What I did not understand was that much of what I called “help” sounded like criticism and disrespect to him.

That was a very humbling realization.

It did not mean that everything in our marriage was my fault. It was not.

It did not erase the choices my husband had made or the pain I had experienced. Taking responsibility for my behavior did not mean taking responsibility for his.

But God began showing me that I had spent years concentrating on everything my husband needed to change while paying very little attention to my own responses.

Jesus spoke about seeing the speck in someone else’s eye while overlooking the plank in our own in Matthew 7:3–5.

That Scripture became very real to me.

I could not control my husband.

I could not criticize, lecture, pressure, or manipulate him into becoming a different man.

But through the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, I could allow my own heart and mind to be changed.

That was where my responsibility was.

And, surprisingly, that was also where I began discovering my God-given influence.

Most of My Prayers Were About Changing Him

We had tried counseling. I had read books about marriage, love, and respect. We had received plenty of advice from friends and family.

Nothing seemed to create lasting change.

I prayed too, but many of my prayers sounded something like this:

“Lord, please show him what he is doing.”

“God, please change his heart.”

“Jesus, please help him understand me.”

There was a lot of “him” in my prayers!

I sincerely wanted God’s help, but I was usually asking God to fix my husband so that I could finally feel happy, loved, and secure.

I was waiting for my husband to change before I believed peace was possible.

But God began teaching me that Jesus had already made grace, peace, love, wisdom, and freedom available to me.

I did not have to wait for another person to behave perfectly before I could begin renewing my own mind and responding differently.

Romans 12:2 teaches that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds.

I had been a Christian for years, but there were areas of my thinking that had not been renewed by God’s Word.

I believed control would keep me safe.

I believed criticism would produce change.

I believed anger would protect me from being hurt.

I believed my husband was responsible for making me feel secure.

Those beliefs were producing terrible fruit in my life and marriage.

God’s Word began showing me a different way.

Discovering Practical Skills

While researching ways to help my brother, who was going through a divorce, I discovered The Six Intimacy Skills™.

At first, I did not think they applied to me.

I believed I was already a devoted, loving, and supportive wife. I was not looking for something that would reveal how I had contributed to the pain in my own marriage.

But as I continued reading, something began to click.

The skills gave me practical ways to live out principles I could already see in Scripture: respect, gratitude, humility, gracious communication, self-control, vulnerability, personal responsibility, and trust.

The skills did not replace Jesus.

They did not replace Scripture, prayer, the Holy Spirit, or wise counsel.

They simply helped me see what biblical principles could look like in an ordinary conversation with my husband.

God’s Word was renewing my mind.

The Holy Spirit was revealing my old patterns.

And these practical skills gave me a new way to respond when real-life situations arose.

I was not earning God’s help by behaving perfectly. I was learning to cooperate with the grace He had already given me.

“Whatever You Think”

One of the first phrases I practiced was:

“Whatever you think.”

The first time I said it, my husband tilted his head and looked at me as though he was trying to determine whether I had been replaced by another woman.

Then he smiled.

Not a polite smile.

A real smile.

So I tried it again another time.

And then again.

Slowly, I noticed a change in him. He seemed more relaxed and confident when he did not have to prepare himself to defend every decision.

I also began practicing what I affectionately call the “duct tape” skill.

That meant closing my mouth and truly listening instead of immediately correcting, interrupting, explaining, defending, or offering my expert opinion.

This was not easy for me.

James 1:19 teaches us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

I had sometimes practiced that verse in the opposite order!

I remember standing in a hardware store with my husband while he was choosing a hacksaw.

I caught myself explaining which hacksaw I thought he should buy.

Then I suddenly realized something:

I did not even know what a hacksaw was.

Yet there I was, offering advice about it!

That moment still makes me laugh, but it also showed me how automatic my need to give input had become.

I started using simple phrases:

“I hear you.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m sorry. That was disrespectful.”

“Ouch.”

Those words may sound almost too simple, but they helped me stop turning every hurt feeling or disagreement into a courtroom trial.

I did not need to present ten pieces of evidence, call three witnesses, and deliver a closing argument every time something upset me.

Sometimes, I could simply say, “Ouch.”

Sometimes, I could listen.

Sometimes, I could apologize without adding, “But you also…”

These phrases were not magic spells.

Our marriage did not change overnight.

But every time I chose humility instead of pride, gratitude instead of criticism, or self-control instead of anger, I was putting God’s Word into practice.

The Holy Spirit would often remind me to pause before responding.

Sometimes I listened.

Sometimes I did not.

But even when I failed, God’s grace was still there. I could apologize, receive forgiveness, and try again.

God began changing the atmosphere of our home one interaction at a time.

Learning to Live from What God Had Already Given Me

For years, I had looked to my husband to provide all the love, peace, happiness, and security I believed I was missing.

That was an impossible burden for any human being to carry.

My husband was my partner.

He was not my Savior.

Jesus was my source.

As I renewed my mind through God’s Word, I began understanding that the Holy Spirit had already placed love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control within me.

I did not always feel those things, but I could learn to draw from what God had placed inside me instead of reacting from fear, insecurity, and old wounds.

I began asking the Holy Spirit to help me recognize when I was responding from an old pattern.

Was I speaking from love or fear?

Was I trying to connect, or was I trying to control?

Was I expressing myself honestly, or was I punishing my husband emotionally because I felt hurt?

Those questions helped me slow down and choose a different response.

I Began Caring for Myself Again

I also began practicing self-care.

For many years, I believed being a good Christian wife and mother meant giving everything I had until there was nothing left.

Then I would become exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful because no one seemed to notice how much I was doing.

I had lost touch with the joyful, playful, feminine woman God created me to be.

So I began doing things that restored me.

I rested.

I laughed more.

I spent time with God.

I enjoyed activities that refreshed my heart.

I began taking better care of the body, emotions, energy, and life God had entrusted to me.

Even Jesus withdrew from the crowds to pray and rest.

Self-care was not about becoming self-centered. It was about becoming a better steward of myself.

I also began what I called my “smile campaign.”

Instead of greeting my husband with a list of problems or wearing every disappointment on my face, I intentionally greeted him with warmth.

At first, it felt awkward because we still had years of unresolved pain between us.

But something began to shift.

As God changed the way I showed up in our marriage, my husband began responding differently too.

He became more affectionate.

He began paying more attention to my desires.

He comforted and protected me when I felt vulnerable.

He became more generous and attentive.

Most importantly, I began seeing him as my hero again instead of seeing him as a man who needed constant improvement.

I cannot take credit for changing my husband.

That was never within my power.

But when I stopped trying to control him, there was finally room for the Holy Spirit to work in both of us.

What I Thought It Meant to Be a Good Wife

For many years, I believed my husband needed me to be perfect.

I tried to maintain the perfect appearance, build a successful career, keep a beautiful home, prepare wonderful meals, and be an amazing mother.

I thought that if I performed well enough, my husband would be happy and I would finally feel secure in his love.

But perfection was not what he needed from me.

And it was not what God required from me.

Through Scripture, prayer, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the practical relationship principles I was learning, I began to understand what helped my husband feel loved, respected, and connected to me.

Six Lessons That Changed the Way I Loved

1. Respecting His Thinking

My husband wanted to know that I respected his thoughts and trusted his abilities.

That did not mean I had to agree with everything he said. It did not mean I could never express an opinion or bring up a serious concern.

It meant I stopped treating my opinion as the only wise or reasonable option.

Romans 12:10 teaches us to honor one another.

When I stopped automatically correcting and second-guessing my husband, there was less competition between us and more room for partnership.

2. Expressing Genuine Gratitude

I had become very skilled at noticing what was missing.

I noticed what my husband forgot, what he did incorrectly, what still needed to be done, and what I wished he would change.

I was much less skilled at noticing what he was already doing.

So I began thanking him.

I thanked him for working, helping with the children, driving, repairing something, paying a bill, carrying something heavy, or simply making an effort.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 teaches us to give thanks in all circumstances.

Gratitude changed my heart before it changed anything else.

As I focused more on what was good, I began seeing blessings I had previously overlooked.

My husband also began feeling appreciated instead of constantly evaluated.

3. Receiving His Love

I discovered that I often rejected the very love I claimed to want.

If my husband complimented me, I contradicted him.

If he said, “You look beautiful,” I pointed out something I disliked about myself.

If he offered to help, I sometimes said, “Never mind. I’ll do it.”

If he gave me something, I might question how much it cost.

I had to learn to receive.

Sometimes, the most loving and respectful response was simply:

“Thank you.”

Receiving graciously allowed my husband to know that his efforts mattered to me.

4. Choosing Vulnerability Instead of Anger

Anger had become my armor.

When I felt frightened, rejected, lonely, insecure, or hurt, I often expressed those feelings through criticism.

Instead of saying, “I miss you,” I complained that my husband never spent enough time with me.

Instead of saying, “That hurt,” I listed everything he had done wrong.

God began teaching me to speak the truth in love.

Vulnerability sounded like:

“I feel hurt.”

“I miss you.”

“I would love to have dinner together.”

“Ouch.”

That was not weakness.

For me, it required far more courage than yelling.

5. Caring for the Woman God Created Me to Be

Self-care helped me understand that my husband was not responsible for creating all my happiness.

God was my source.

My husband could love me, comfort me, and share life with me, but he could not fill every empty place in my heart.

I began doing things that restored my peace and joy rather than waiting for my husband to make me feel better.

Taking care of myself made me more loving, not less loving.

I had more to give because I was no longer continually trying to pour from an empty cup.

6. Releasing Unnecessary Control and Trusting God

Letting go of control may have been the most difficult lesson of all.

Control had made me feel safe, or at least I thought it did.

I believed that if I could control the decisions, finances, conversations, plans, and my husband’s reactions, I might be able to prevent myself from being hurt again.

But control never gave me peace.

Proverbs 3:5 teaches us to trust in the Lord with all our heart instead of relying entirely on our own understanding.

I began asking myself:

“Does this actually belong to me?”

“Am I trying to manage something that belongs to my husband?”

“Am I trying to control something that I need to surrender to God?”

Releasing control did not mean becoming passive.

It did not mean tolerating abuse, ignoring sin, remaining in danger, or pretending serious problems did not exist.

It did not mean that biblical respect required a woman to remain silent about betrayal, addiction, destructive behavior, or harm.

There are situations in which pastoral guidance, professional help, medical care, legal protection, boundaries, or separation may be necessary.

Taking responsibility for my part never meant accepting responsibility for someone else’s sin.

For me, releasing control meant that I could communicate honestly, seek wisdom, make responsible choices, and establish appropriate boundaries without manipulating, lecturing, pressuring, or emotionally punishing my husband.

I began trusting God with what I could not control.

That brought more peace than control ever had.

What Our Marriage Looks Like Today

Today, our home is filled with far more love, respect, affection, admiration, prayer, and laughter.

We are not perfect.

We still have moments when I say the wrong thing or fall back into an old habit.

The difference is that we no longer have to remain stuck there.

I know how to apologize, extend grace and how to return to peace.

After nearly 29 years of marriage now, I feel beautiful from the inside out.

When I look at our family photographs now, I do not see a staged picture of happiness.

I see a family that has walked through fire.

I see God’s mercy.

I see two imperfect people who could easily have given up but did not.

I see evidence that Jesus can breathe hope into places that appear completely dead.

God did not simply return us to the marriage we once had.

He began teaching us how to build something different.

Something healthier.

Something more honest.

Something filled with grace.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that God makes everything beautiful in its time.

That is what He has done with so many broken pieces of our story.

Jesus Is the Source of Our Restoration

I want to be very clear about something.

The Six Intimacy Skills™ did not save my soul, heal my heart, or replace Jesus.

I needed God’s Word to renew my mind.

I needed the Holy Spirit to reveal where fear, pride, insecurity, anger, and control were influencing my behavior.

I needed Jesus to heal wounded places inside me that no communication technique could ever reach.

I needed God’s grace when I failed.

The skills gave me practical ways to express what God was teaching me, but Jesus was and continues to be the source of the transformation.

God’s Word renewed my mind.

The Holy Spirit empowered me.

Grace gave me the freedom to keep growing without condemnation.

The practical skills helped me live those truths out in my marriage.

Our story is not a formula, and it is not a guarantee that every marriage will unfold exactly as ours did.

Every situation is different.

But this is our testimony.

It is the story of what began happening when I stopped placing all my attention on changing my husband and allowed God to transform the way I thought, spoke, responded, and loved.

Why I Help Women Today

2 Corinthians 1:4 tells us that God comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others with the comfort we have received from Him.

That Scripture explains why this work means so much to me.

God has taken some of the most painful and embarrassing parts of my life and turned them into a way to bring hope to other women.

I would be honored to walk beside you as you learn and practice these relationship skills in your own life.

I want to celebrate your victories with you.

I want to encourage you when something feels difficult.

I want to help you recognize the areas where you have influence and where even one small, grace-filled change may begin creating a different atmosphere in your relationship.

You do not have to believe exactly as I do to benefit from these practical principles.

Whether you are a faith-filled believer, still discovering what you believe, or simply searching for a healthier and more peaceful way to relate, you are welcome.

I will never pressure you to share my faith.

But I will also never hide the One who restored my hope, renewed my mind, transformed my heart, and helped redeem my marriage.

Jesus is at the center of my life and my work.

Coaching may now be my profession, but it is also my passion, my joy, and what I believe is part of God’s calling on my life.

Your marriage may feel difficult today.

Your heart may be tired.

You may wonder whether real change is still possible.

I understand because I have lived there.

But your story is not over.

God is still writing it.